Wednesday, 17 April 2013
Sunday, 14 April 2013
I'm guessing it's from when I was doing agility with her and Cali escaped from her collar, ran under the jump and Lucy fell.. her dewclaw is like a broken bone, it's just all over the place. Cut and swollen. So we've somehow cured it with the tissue, she seems to of stopped licking it anyway and it's not swollen anymore..
Sometimes going to the vets is a waste of a trip; sometimes you just have to know a few things!
Tuesday, 9 April 2013
Living With Depression..
Getting to sleep is a challenge, it's almost an inconvenience that you've got to sleep. Then you wake up, and you don't want to get up.. because whats' there to get up for?
I'm still tired. And I've had 8 hours sleep. Why? I have a million thoughts per hour, quite literally. I can feel a sense of doom coming over me, it's getting cold, you start to tremble, break down, you don't know what to do - your friends don't understand, your family don't understand, the doctors, counsellors and nurses don't understand, so you grab the blade, or anything sharp and cut/scratch away until the sense of doom becomes bright, calm, easy. Until it's back. Then you do it again and again.
You have a family get together, they ask how you are, and you don't know what to say because you don't know what they know. You say you're 'fine', but in that moment you have a lump in your throat because something is shouting at you saying "YOU'RE NOT FINE, I'M STILL HERE" then you have to sit down for a minute, someone notices you, they ask, you tell them, they say "you'll be fine". Did Amber Todd turn out to be okay? No, she turned out to kill her self because she was the opposite from 'just fine'.
Every meal, drink, conversation, thought, exercise, sleep, bath, etc is just such a huge effort.
I have to stop there. I now have that sense of doom, it's come back, fortunately I cut myself about 10 minutes ago - cleared my mind, then I was able to type this out; sadly it's back, dominated my brain and now I cant think of anything other than what's going to happen tonight.
I don't know what to do. I cant take it anymore. I just cant take it anymore.
I'm still tired. And I've had 8 hours sleep. Why? I have a million thoughts per hour, quite literally. I can feel a sense of doom coming over me, it's getting cold, you start to tremble, break down, you don't know what to do - your friends don't understand, your family don't understand, the doctors, counsellors and nurses don't understand, so you grab the blade, or anything sharp and cut/scratch away until the sense of doom becomes bright, calm, easy. Until it's back. Then you do it again and again.
You have a family get together, they ask how you are, and you don't know what to say because you don't know what they know. You say you're 'fine', but in that moment you have a lump in your throat because something is shouting at you saying "YOU'RE NOT FINE, I'M STILL HERE" then you have to sit down for a minute, someone notices you, they ask, you tell them, they say "you'll be fine". Did Amber Todd turn out to be okay? No, she turned out to kill her self because she was the opposite from 'just fine'.
Every meal, drink, conversation, thought, exercise, sleep, bath, etc is just such a huge effort.
I have to stop there. I now have that sense of doom, it's come back, fortunately I cut myself about 10 minutes ago - cleared my mind, then I was able to type this out; sadly it's back, dominated my brain and now I cant think of anything other than what's going to happen tonight.
I don't know what to do. I cant take it anymore. I just cant take it anymore.
Monday, 8 April 2013
ITS. NOT. ME
I've got sooo many guys on a certain website that are after me, (seriously) and it just makes me realise that the false lashes and loads of makeup, fake tan, backcombed hair, poses, tight low cut tops and tight pants and the high heels just isn't me. Sure, I like it all, but, it's not me. I feel like I cant move. Having so much makeup on and having huge hair to the point where if you move, your face will crack and your hair will move is NOT a good feeling. I hate it. I love having my hair up in a messy bun, a t shirt, my doc martens and leggings on and just living free making people laugh and being able to laugh without worrying about my makeup looking a mess. I've also figured out that because I don't have normal sized eyes, literally, that I cant wear too much mascara.. otherwise my eyes look droopy and my mascara looks clumped up. So I just love to wear about 7 strokes of mascara.
From now on, I'm gonna be the real Heather Jellicoe, which everyone loves way more than the girl I am today. The real Heather Jellicoe is funny, full of energy, loyal and caring and popular... seriously, I'm not being big headed but I remember myself in Irlam High - I was soooo much more real. I was never fake, and that's why I got so many good friends and that's how I got people literally filming me and uploading it to youtube because I was apparently funny.
I put way too much effort into my looks, and it depresses me, because when I put makeup on I feel ugly, I don't feel pretty, I feel stressed. Because I feel that if I wear makeup I have to behave in a certain way. Yeah I'll keep wearing foundation, mascara, blush and eyebrows, but not as much, not even one coat of it, just half of it. I'm gonna stop backcombing my hair as much because it feels and looks messy. I'm gonna go back to nerdy, geeky, funny me... I feel way more comfortable. And I didn't care too much about looks either back then. I feel way more prettier and confident without makeup on, just my moisturizer, a bit of mascara and shaped eyebrows; I feel way prettier and relaxed. But my skin will have to go through detox first, haha ^.^
Old Heather is back in town, ;D See what I mean... I'm just weird. Who says that anymore? Like, the stuff I come out with sometimes isn't even funny, but with me actually explaining how not funny it is, sometimes can make people laugh. If not, then it's only me that laughs at it. :/
From now on, I'm gonna be the real Heather Jellicoe, which everyone loves way more than the girl I am today. The real Heather Jellicoe is funny, full of energy, loyal and caring and popular... seriously, I'm not being big headed but I remember myself in Irlam High - I was soooo much more real. I was never fake, and that's why I got so many good friends and that's how I got people literally filming me and uploading it to youtube because I was apparently funny.
I put way too much effort into my looks, and it depresses me, because when I put makeup on I feel ugly, I don't feel pretty, I feel stressed. Because I feel that if I wear makeup I have to behave in a certain way. Yeah I'll keep wearing foundation, mascara, blush and eyebrows, but not as much, not even one coat of it, just half of it. I'm gonna stop backcombing my hair as much because it feels and looks messy. I'm gonna go back to nerdy, geeky, funny me... I feel way more comfortable. And I didn't care too much about looks either back then. I feel way more prettier and confident without makeup on, just my moisturizer, a bit of mascara and shaped eyebrows; I feel way prettier and relaxed. But my skin will have to go through detox first, haha ^.^
Old Heather is back in town, ;D See what I mean... I'm just weird. Who says that anymore? Like, the stuff I come out with sometimes isn't even funny, but with me actually explaining how not funny it is, sometimes can make people laugh. If not, then it's only me that laughs at it. :/
Sunday, 7 April 2013
Never Felt So Comfortable In Myself. TO ALL GIRLS and HUMANS
Honestly after watching this video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PTlmho_RovY&feature=share I honestly feel WAY more at ease with myself.
As a teenager who suffers from GAD, depression and aspergers, I am incredibly self conscious. And not like your average teen girl.
I am now slightly more comfortable to admit I have scars, yes.. THOSE scars NO woman or man wants, I also look like I'm 14 weeks pregnant sometimes, I have a slight movement when I walk... but I'm literally proud I'm like this. Because not many girls these days do have the deep curve in their side and the wider hip, not being big headed about it, I've just finally learnt to respect myself more than to get my boobs out, plaster myself in makeup and make it obvious I'm insecure and look for IT constantly. I now make it clear I respect myself, and that I am a little more confident with my figure and that I'm glad I'm not 8 stone. I am infact 12st 6, but 3 months ago I was 17 stone. First time I've admitted that to anyone or any site.
No, this video hasn't changed my mind that much, I've just started to love myself more (in a decent appreciative way) in the past few weeks, rather than wearing black and covering up. I now wear colours, I stand out more. People notice me more. I still need to tone up, but for now, I'm comfortable.
But that video has definitely put me at ease to know that just because they're celebrities does not mean they have the perfect figure and face, because even though each and every one of them are gorgeous... they still edit them. And some are highly insecure about their looks, they hate themselves in photos, etc, and I now feel relaxed to know that I am just the same... if any of that made sense!
Not every girl/woman/boy/man can feel at peace with themselves, and I don't think we are always 100% happy with our looks, but we have to educate ourselves that what we see in the magazines is all false.. all of it. I actually had a great experience where I was a student of a professional photographer and editor of a magazine (I cant remember which one), and he had a photo of an unknown woman, and he literally took forever to edit her. She already had an amazing figure and face, but he still felt the need to edit, so even if you did look like this for real.. they'd still edit you. Because as a person who does a lot of photography, I could take a photo of the dog, and still edit it. Shape, colour, everything. So I kinda get why they feel the obsession/want to edit their photos - but what girls and everyone isn't getting from the media is that it's acceptable to be a bit chubby, that it's acceptable to have pours and spots and boobs that aren't perfect, all we see is skinny girls posing with no pours, perfect figure, tan, hair, makeup and boobs and if you have none of that you're basically nothing, in the eyes of society. These people are not real, well, the photos aren't.
Basically, what I'm saying is that you don't NEED to be perfect, perfect only exists in the arrogant minds (society), and society isn't everything, you don't need to go by societies rules, because to be fair, their rules are wrong. It's normal to wake up in the morning to feel ugly, to have messy hair, pale skin, all of that... it's normal, infact... personally, I think a person without make up, uncombed hair is perfect... that in my eyes is what I call perfection. Because it's natural, natural beauty. And everyone has it. Even you. Yes, you, the person who is reading this... you have natural beauty and you do not need to be slim, toned and tanned to fit in, you be you, stand out. If you want green hair, YOU GO GET GREEN HAIR, you know what I'm saying?! You get one chance at this life, there's no rehearsal, you'll only be 9 once, 13 once, 15 once, you get the message... so live while you can, have fun, enjoy it, but also make sure you get a decent education so you can go on in life to have wealth and happiness and a career.
Don't give a damn what people say to you, if they say "that's a dumb idea for a job" "you're ugly" "you're fat" who cares, WHO CARES, they're the one with no confidence and no ideas for a job. Look down on people like that. Be proud of the fact that you have ideas.
Some people wake up with no legs or no arms, and still carry on, what's your excuse? Mental illness, fine, I get it, but beat it. Beat it like it beat you. Tell it you're the boss. 'YOU IS D'BOSS' :)
Everyone has insecurities and flaws, it's just a natural part of growing up or a natural part of life, but please don't waste another day on plastering yourself in makeup to make yourself attractive or feel confident, because there's nothing worse than seeing a girl plastered in makeup when she already has a gorgeous face that doesn't need all that slap on.
LIVE
YOUR
LIFE
Life
Is
For
Enjoying
See what I did there?!
If I make a fool of myself, who cares? I'm not frightened by anyone's perception of me.
Angelina Jolie
I don't see myself as beautiful, because I can see a lot of flaws. People have really odd opinions. They tell me I'm skinny, as if that's supposed to make me happy.
Angelina Jolie
I'm getting a wrinkle above my eyebrow because I just can't stop lifting it, and I love that you know.
Angelina Jolie
Honestly, I like everything, boyish girls, girlish boys, the heavy and the skinny.
Angelina Jolie
http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/insecurity.html more here!!
Stay you, stay true, hold your head up high, turn that frown upside down and smile, walk confident and head forwards.
Always here to talk!
If you want a talk, go to my YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/user/ItsMeOfficially and find the links, and just type away as much or as little as you want. :)
xoxoxo
As a teenager who suffers from GAD, depression and aspergers, I am incredibly self conscious. And not like your average teen girl.
I am now slightly more comfortable to admit I have scars, yes.. THOSE scars NO woman or man wants, I also look like I'm 14 weeks pregnant sometimes, I have a slight movement when I walk... but I'm literally proud I'm like this. Because not many girls these days do have the deep curve in their side and the wider hip, not being big headed about it, I've just finally learnt to respect myself more than to get my boobs out, plaster myself in makeup and make it obvious I'm insecure and look for IT constantly. I now make it clear I respect myself, and that I am a little more confident with my figure and that I'm glad I'm not 8 stone. I am infact 12st 6, but 3 months ago I was 17 stone. First time I've admitted that to anyone or any site.
No, this video hasn't changed my mind that much, I've just started to love myself more (in a decent appreciative way) in the past few weeks, rather than wearing black and covering up. I now wear colours, I stand out more. People notice me more. I still need to tone up, but for now, I'm comfortable.
But that video has definitely put me at ease to know that just because they're celebrities does not mean they have the perfect figure and face, because even though each and every one of them are gorgeous... they still edit them. And some are highly insecure about their looks, they hate themselves in photos, etc, and I now feel relaxed to know that I am just the same... if any of that made sense!
Not every girl/woman/boy/man can feel at peace with themselves, and I don't think we are always 100% happy with our looks, but we have to educate ourselves that what we see in the magazines is all false.. all of it. I actually had a great experience where I was a student of a professional photographer and editor of a magazine (I cant remember which one), and he had a photo of an unknown woman, and he literally took forever to edit her. She already had an amazing figure and face, but he still felt the need to edit, so even if you did look like this for real.. they'd still edit you. Because as a person who does a lot of photography, I could take a photo of the dog, and still edit it. Shape, colour, everything. So I kinda get why they feel the obsession/want to edit their photos - but what girls and everyone isn't getting from the media is that it's acceptable to be a bit chubby, that it's acceptable to have pours and spots and boobs that aren't perfect, all we see is skinny girls posing with no pours, perfect figure, tan, hair, makeup and boobs and if you have none of that you're basically nothing, in the eyes of society. These people are not real, well, the photos aren't.
Basically, what I'm saying is that you don't NEED to be perfect, perfect only exists in the arrogant minds (society), and society isn't everything, you don't need to go by societies rules, because to be fair, their rules are wrong. It's normal to wake up in the morning to feel ugly, to have messy hair, pale skin, all of that... it's normal, infact... personally, I think a person without make up, uncombed hair is perfect... that in my eyes is what I call perfection. Because it's natural, natural beauty. And everyone has it. Even you. Yes, you, the person who is reading this... you have natural beauty and you do not need to be slim, toned and tanned to fit in, you be you, stand out. If you want green hair, YOU GO GET GREEN HAIR, you know what I'm saying?! You get one chance at this life, there's no rehearsal, you'll only be 9 once, 13 once, 15 once, you get the message... so live while you can, have fun, enjoy it, but also make sure you get a decent education so you can go on in life to have wealth and happiness and a career.
Don't give a damn what people say to you, if they say "that's a dumb idea for a job" "you're ugly" "you're fat" who cares, WHO CARES, they're the one with no confidence and no ideas for a job. Look down on people like that. Be proud of the fact that you have ideas.
Some people wake up with no legs or no arms, and still carry on, what's your excuse? Mental illness, fine, I get it, but beat it. Beat it like it beat you. Tell it you're the boss. 'YOU IS D'BOSS' :)
Everyone has insecurities and flaws, it's just a natural part of growing up or a natural part of life, but please don't waste another day on plastering yourself in makeup to make yourself attractive or feel confident, because there's nothing worse than seeing a girl plastered in makeup when she already has a gorgeous face that doesn't need all that slap on.
LIVE
YOUR
LIFE
Life
Is
For
Enjoying
See what I did there?!
If I make a fool of myself, who cares? I'm not frightened by anyone's perception of me.
Angelina Jolie
I don't see myself as beautiful, because I can see a lot of flaws. People have really odd opinions. They tell me I'm skinny, as if that's supposed to make me happy.
Angelina Jolie
I'm getting a wrinkle above my eyebrow because I just can't stop lifting it, and I love that you know.
Angelina Jolie
Honestly, I like everything, boyish girls, girlish boys, the heavy and the skinny.
Angelina Jolie
http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/insecurity.html more here!!
Stay you, stay true, hold your head up high, turn that frown upside down and smile, walk confident and head forwards.
Always here to talk!
If you want a talk, go to my YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/user/ItsMeOfficially and find the links, and just type away as much or as little as you want. :)
xoxoxo
Friday, 5 April 2013
Sick of Living With Anxiety
Everybody lives with anxiety, it's normal to feel anxious before a job interview or something but your anxiety level is most likely under 40. Mine... Mine is 60+. Last night it was on 150. My heart honestly felt like it was about to explode, it would NOT stop pounding for a good 25 minutes. I knew that if I got up out of bed (it was 3am) I would feel worse because its dark outside, there's no one about, so I just had to lay on my back and think happy thoughts. Surprisingly, I managed to stop feeling so anxious I couldn't sit still, normally I have to get up and walk around, but last night I just lay there trying to get to sleep, but I kept seeing really tall skinny people and then really fat people morphing into each other, it was soooo weird I absolutely hated it. My heart was going that fast that my eyes started to twitch, it was horrible. But the only thing that made me calm down was in January of this year I stayed with a family for 9 weeks. And in those 9 weeks, I never felt depressed, anxious, angry, or hopeless. I had a focus. I made a few friends there (I cant say too much), and that kept me going. Because at home I have no one but my mum and 3 pets which makes me anxious because I cant distract myself with my mum as she's impossible to talk to at the moment. She doesn't understand my anxieties. But the family I was staying with did, she and he have depression and anxiety, so everything I felt they were there to comfort me and calm me down. So anyway, last night, I imagined myself being back there, and I forgot about my heart and anxieties and just fell asleep.
Today, I feel so ill, I feel sick, tired, and anxious. I cant stand it. I just cant take it. I've been dealing with depression for years and anxiety for just 8 months, I honestly would rather be depressed than anxious. Atleast I can eat and sleep easier. It's 2pm and I've only had a Activia yogurt and even that took me 3 hours to get through because I felt so sick. I don't know what I'm going to do. I've tried just about everything to help myself, honestly, I've been to the doctors, tried Valium which just knocked me straight out for 5 hours so I never took it again. I've tried loads, it helped, it really did, but after coming home from staying away for 9 weeks I have completely forgotten how I handled my anxiety... so now I just sit around crapping myself every time I move just incase it triggers my anxiety. As an aspie, it's even worse, because I already have manic thoughts, but when I'm anxious, I cant even look at photos of people because its (to me) a threat. My biggest anxiety is being ill and finding out I'm seriously ill. I feel like there's something wrong but they cant find it.
I'm thinking positive, things like "I'm gonna be okay" "I'm okay. I'm okay. I'll get through this." Stuff like that, it helps a tad but not much because will I be okay? I've heard of people that have lived for 60 years with this. I wont let that happen, no way, but still... there's always a possibility that it could drag me down that far that I cant get out. I 100% refuse to take tablets because that's how I got into this anxiety mess. Through taking Fluoxetine 20mg.
I need to move out, I need to get some friends, exercise more, and do more YouTube videos. I just don't know where to start. My mum is one of those people that takes everything in their stride, and so chilled out, but me I wanna get going get out and live my life. It's annoying. No guidance from her at all.
Today, I feel so ill, I feel sick, tired, and anxious. I cant stand it. I just cant take it. I've been dealing with depression for years and anxiety for just 8 months, I honestly would rather be depressed than anxious. Atleast I can eat and sleep easier. It's 2pm and I've only had a Activia yogurt and even that took me 3 hours to get through because I felt so sick. I don't know what I'm going to do. I've tried just about everything to help myself, honestly, I've been to the doctors, tried Valium which just knocked me straight out for 5 hours so I never took it again. I've tried loads, it helped, it really did, but after coming home from staying away for 9 weeks I have completely forgotten how I handled my anxiety... so now I just sit around crapping myself every time I move just incase it triggers my anxiety. As an aspie, it's even worse, because I already have manic thoughts, but when I'm anxious, I cant even look at photos of people because its (to me) a threat. My biggest anxiety is being ill and finding out I'm seriously ill. I feel like there's something wrong but they cant find it.
I'm thinking positive, things like "I'm gonna be okay" "I'm okay. I'm okay. I'll get through this." Stuff like that, it helps a tad but not much because will I be okay? I've heard of people that have lived for 60 years with this. I wont let that happen, no way, but still... there's always a possibility that it could drag me down that far that I cant get out. I 100% refuse to take tablets because that's how I got into this anxiety mess. Through taking Fluoxetine 20mg.
I need to move out, I need to get some friends, exercise more, and do more YouTube videos. I just don't know where to start. My mum is one of those people that takes everything in their stride, and so chilled out, but me I wanna get going get out and live my life. It's annoying. No guidance from her at all.
Tuesday, 2 April 2013
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)